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the top five video games of 2008

#1 – Grand Theft Auto IV

It’s more fun to talk about how much stuff sucks, but I can’t find anything bad to say about Grand Theft Auto IV. Trust me, I tried. Hard. The strippers don’t strip, and I guess that kind of sucks (they wear bikinis), but I can always alleviate my frustration by busting out an M16 and mowing down every sucker in sight.

Or I can just hire a prostitute. Oh wait, they don’t get naked either.

#2 – Grand Theft Auto IV

Driving in GTA IV is a blast. At first I was pulling my hair out wondering why I couldn’t take a turn at 127 miles per hour like in the previous games. I realized that it was because Rockstar decided to make the vehicle handling realistic. Bullshit, right? WRONG. The physics are just crazy enough to enable Hollywood-style stunts while keeping the driving experience believable. And if you’re good enough you should be able to handbrake and swerve your way into a perfect, orgasm-inducing turn. Either that or you’ll wind up splattering the side of a building with the blood of 15 unsuspecting sheeple, but that can also induce an orgasm so it’s a win-win situation.

#3 – Grand Theft Auto IV

The targeting system makes me feel like a God. Auto-targeting snaps the reticle to the enemy’s chest. A quick flick of the thumb allows the player to aim freely at the head, which means that you can take down multiple enemies wild-west style.

Prepare to blow plenty of shit up as well. Molotov cocktails and grenades make me very, very happy. At one point I was engaged in a high-speed chase down a suspended freeway when I dropped a grenade out the window and swerved off the edge, plummeting seven stories onto the street and diving out of my car. A split second later it was raining fiery automobile frames.

Sweet.

#4 – Grand Theft Auto IV

If the single-player mode isn’t enough to generate those “Holy fucking shit” stories, the multiplayer mode surely will. Just flick open your cell phone in-game and scroll down your options list to find “multiplayer” anytime you’d like, just like in real life! There are plenty of game modes to choose from, but the thing that really gets me is that the city is still bustling with life even during multiplayer games. There are still pedestrians and cars on the road, and you can even adjust the game settings to increase or decrease the number. And matches can take place in any section of the city, or across the entire city, for that matter.

My fellow blogger Morgan has informed me that video game analysts are saying that GTA IV will have no staying power because it simply repackages the older games. First, I didn’t even know video game analysts existed. Second, fuck them. Third, there are a few things I don’t remember from the old GTA games that are in GTA IV. Namely character development, film-quality plotlines, fantastic music from a variety of artists, cell phones, the Internet and plenty of other details.

Oh wait, I just remembered. There’s no samurai sword. Goddammit.

#5 – Echochrome

That’s right, Echochrome. A video game based off of M.C. Escher paintings? Sign me up.

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